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Chapter One
The stretch of road that leads out of
the city, past Hazy Harbor and into the
town of Tedia, is perhaps the most
unpleasant in the world. It is called
Lousy Lane. Lousy Lane runs through fields
that are a sickly gray color, in which a
handful of scraggly trees produce apples
so sour that one only has to look at them
to feel ill. Lousy Lane traverses the Grim
River, a body of water that is nine-tenths
mud and that contains extremely unnerving
fish, and it encircles a horseradish
factory, so the entire area smells bitter
and strong.
I am sorry to tell you that this story
begins with the Baudelaire orphans
traveling along this most displeasing
road, and that from this moment on, the
story only gets worse. Of all the people
in the world who have miserable lives-and,
as I'm sure you know, there are quite a
few-the Baudelaire youngsters take the
cake, a phrase which here means that more
horrible things have happened to them than
just about anybody. Their misfortune began
with an enormous fire that destroyed their
home and killed both their loving parents,
which is enough sadness to last anyone a
lifetime, but in the case of these three
children it was only the bad beginning.
After the fire, the siblings were sent to
live with a distant relative named Count
Olaf, a terrible and greedy man.
The Baudelaire parents had left behind
an enormous fortune, which would go to the
children when Violet came of age, and
Count Olaf was so obsessed with getting
his filthy hands on the money that he
hatched a devious plan that gives me
nightmares to this day. He was caught just
in time, but he escaped and vowed to get
ahold of the Baudelaire fortune sometime
in the future. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny
still had nightmares about Count Olaf's
shiny, shiny eyes, and about his one
scraggly eyebrow, and most of all about
the tattoo of an eye he had on his ankle.
It seemed like that eye was watching the
Baudelaire orphans wherever they went.
So I must tell you that if you have
opened this book in the hope of finding
out that the children lived happily ever
after, you might as well shut it and read
something else. Because Violet, Klaus, and
Sunny, sitting in a small, cramped car and
staring out the windows at Lousy Lane,
were heading toward even more misery and
woe. The Grim River and the horseradish
factory were only the first of a sequence
of tragic and unpleasant episodes that
bring a frown to my face and a tear to my
eye whenever I think about them.
The driver of the car was Mr. Poe, a
family friend who worked at a bank and
always had a cough. He was in charge of
overseeing the orphans' affairs, so it was
he who decided that the children would be
placed in the care of a distant relative
in the country after all the
unpleasantness with Count Olaf.
"I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable,"
Mr. Poe said, coughing into a white
handkerchief, "but this new car of mine
doesn't fit too many people. We couldn't
even fit any of your suitcases. In a week
or so I'll drive back here and bring them
to you."
"Thank you," said Violet, who at
fourteen was the oldest of the Baudelaire
children. Anyone who knew Violet well
could see that her mind was not really on
what Mr. Poe was saying, because her long
hair was tied up in a ribbon to keep it
out of her eyes. Violet was an inventor,
and when she was thinking up inventions
she liked to tie her hair up this way. It
helped her think clearly about the various
gears, wires, and ropes involved in most
of her creations."After living so long in
the city," Mr. Poe continued, "I think you
will find the countryside to be a pleasant
change. Oh, here is the turn. We're almost
there."
"Good," Klaus said quietly. Klaus, like
many people on car rides, was very bored,
and he was sad not to have a book with
him. Klaus loved to read, and at
approximately twelve years of age had read
more books than many people read in their
whole lives. Sometimes he read well into
the night, and in the morning could be
found fast asleep, with a book in his hand
and his glasses still on.
"I think you'll like Dr. Montgomery,
too," Mr. Poe said. "He has traveled a
great deal, so he has plenty of stories to
tell. I've heard his house is filled with
things he's brought from all the places
he's been."
"Bax!" Sunny shrieked. Sunny, the
youngest of the Baudelaire orphans, often
talked like this, as infants tend to do.
In fact, besides biting things with her
four very sharp teeth, speaking in
fragments was how Sunny spent most of her
time. It was often difficult to tell what
she meant to say. At this moment she
probably meant something along the lines
of "I'm nervous about meeting a new
relative." All three children were.
"How exactly is Dr. Montgomery related
to us?" Klaus asked.
"Dr. Montgomery is-let me see-your late
father's cousin's wife's brother. I think
that's right. He's a scientist of some
sort, and receives a great deal of money
from the government."
As a banker, Mr. Poe was always
interested in money.
"What should we call him?" Klaus
asked.
"You should call him Dr. Montgomery,"
Mr. Poe replied, "unless he tells you to
call him Montgomery. Both his first and
last names are Montgomery, so it doesn't
really make much difference."
"His name is Montgomery Montgomery?"
Klaus said, smiling.
"Yes, and I'm sure he's very sensitive
about that, so don't ridicule him," Mr.
Poe said, coughing again into his
handkerchief. "'Ridicule' means
'tease.'"
Klaus sighed. "I know what 'ridicule'
means," he said. He did not add that of
course he also knew not to make fun of
someone's name. Occasionally, people
thought that because the orphans were
unforunate, they were also dim-witted.
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